#175: Molly DeFrank: Digital Detox
Molly DeFrank wants to help you get your kids back! In this latest conversation, we talk about technology, parenting, and how to de-zombify the little humans walking around your house.
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EP. 175
Tony: [00:00:00] Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Reclamation Podcast, where our goal is to help you reclaim good practices for following Jesus. My name is Tony and I'm your host. And today I sit down with author, mom and digital detox expert, Molly Deran. What's a digital detox. It's an opportunity to pull your kids away from electronics.
Now, even if you don't have kids, you need to listen to this episode because she's got some great insights on the impact of the digital world that we live in with our screens and our brains and our eyes and our heart and how it all kind of comes together. To create what she would call some zombies.
Right. And we've all seen it in our kids. She talks about her new resource, digital detox about why it matters and about why [00:01:00] your kids might need a break from screens and how easy it is to do it. Once you fully, fully commit, Hey, if you love this conversation with Molly, do me a favor, hit that subscribe button, where every listen to podcasts, leave a rating or review on iTunes or Spotify.
And the greatest compliment you can give us, share this episode with a friend it's because of you sharing and leaving rating and reviews that the podcast continues to grow. And God continues to do amazing things through this platform. I'm thankful for each and every one of. Now without any further ado, let's jump into this conversation with Molly Deran.
Hey everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited today to have author speaker and mom extraordinaire, Molly Deran, Molly. Thank you so much for being here today.
Molly: Yeah, thanks so much for having me, Tony.
Tony: I, so we're, we're gonna jump into the, the resource digital detox in just a minute, but I wanted to start you've had a really interesting career.
You started out in [00:02:00] politics and then you made in my opinion, a tougher decision to stay home and and, and parent full time with the kiddos. Can you tell us a bit about how you see. God working in your story as far as you're calling around from, from one career to this career.
Molly: Yeah. Well The word that's jumping out at me is seasons.
You know, everything has this season. Yeah. I, I really believe that God wired me to, to write. I've always loved to write and I was able to use that in my career. And then for my husband and I, it was really important to us that one of us would stay home with the kids. So I, I had a heart for that.
And so I wanted to be home with them. So after our second was born, I, I quit my job and stayed home and I mistakenly assumed that it would be a lot easier than working and it was not, it sort of punched me in the face. It was so hard , but I wouldn't trade it for the entire world and God definitely grew my capacity.
[00:03:00] Two kids was super overwhelming for me. My first two kids were. 15 months apart. And that was really hard, but now we have six, so we've fostered and adopted. And so, yeah, it got, has grown our family and he's been really faithful along the way. And I love. I love how he just connects all these dots, you know?
So now it's coming full circle. I've been doing the stay-at-home mom thing for the last decade and now it's, he's called me to write again. And so I've written this book and and I hope it equips parents. I've gotten some encouraging feedback so far. So yeah, that's in a nutshell.
Tony: That's amazing. I, I think that there's probably somebody who's listening.
Who's like those feel like really big steps of faith. And so one of the questions I always love to ask people is how do you know that God's calling you to that, right? Whether that be adoption or fostering, or, you know, leaving one career field to step into something different, how do you know it's God's voice versus Just a, a whim or, or even a bad burrito.[00:04:00]
Molly: that is a, that is a great question. I think the key is just walking by the spirit. It's rooting your life in God's word and surrounding yourself with his people and making that, putting him at the center and then using your gifts. So, you know, it's not always gonna look like ministry. It's gonna look different for.
every person, depending on how he's wired you, but that's the beauty of the body of Christ. You know, we all are called to different things in different seasons, but the thing we have in common is just building our lives on that foundation. And then going out from there and, and it reminds me of, I'm probably gonna butcher the verse, but, you know, trusting in the Lord and watching him give us the desires of our heart.
So he'll, he'll put that desire there. And he'll help us live it out when we, when we plant firmly in.
Tony: I always love to steal really good ideas. So I've got three kids 16 to 10. My, my princess just turned 10. And so I'm curious, do you have any like [00:05:00] favorite things that you do for devotional time or ways to help?
Usher the faith in your children's lives, cuz doing it with three is hard doing it with six seems almost impossible.
Molly: okay. I'm glad you asked me this question because. To be sure. Some days it's an absolute disaster. Like sure. There's a kid running on the table or laying upside down or standing on their head or whatever.
But yes, I love talking about resources for family discipleship. A couple that come to mind. We listened in the car this morning to. New city catechism. They have a really good app that I think it's free and there's songs. So you can help your kids memorize, like these truths, it's in a question and answer format and the songs are really fun to listen to.
That's one of my favorites. We love Sally and clay Clarkson have a book called the 24 family ways, which is fantastic. They break it down. We sometimes will do that. Like when we eat breakfast Jesus story book. Bible is one of my favorite resources for young kids up for boys, [00:06:00] especially who are maybe not super into reading.
There's a graphic novel format. It's called the I think it's called the, I can't remember if it's a adventure Bible or action Bible. I'm sorry. There's two, but one of them is one of them is illustrated by a former like comic. Artists it it's incredible. The my son has my 11 year old has read it like probably three or four times.
It's amazing. Those are a few of our favorites. I'm oh, you know who else is really great. There is an artist king things, his name's Ross king. I saw, I include a couple of these ideas in the book too, by the way. But he. Has script long scripture passages and he writes beautiful music behind it. So my kids have memorized.
We all have Genesis one, one through 28 together. And the, the music's pretty, some of those, like sometimes I hope this doesn't, if anyone, the resources can feel like hokey or the songs can be like a little bubble. Absolutely. Yeah. So his that are not like that. They're really pleasant to listen to. So those are some of our favorite.
And
Tony: what are the ages of your kids?
Molly: My kids are five [00:07:00] to 12.
Tony: Five to 12? Yeah. How, how do you carve out time for yourself? To spend time with the Lord too? Are you like a, gotta get up before everyone else kind of person or staying up later? Or how, how do you manage that in your.
Molly: I am a morning. Well, I'm not a morning person.
I actually am. It's really hard for me to get up in the morning, but I do because it's my only time to myself, really. So I, and I'm, it's not reliable. It's not like seven days a week. Perfect. I mean, I set this morning, I set like two alarms and they both snoozed and I still didn't quite, make it up and time, but I try more often than not to get myself out of bed and sit down and start my morning with some, some quiet time.
And I feel like the kids can really. If I've spent that time, you know, getting into God's word and, and praying. So, yeah, that's what I like to.
Tony: I love that I'm a morning person too. If I don't get it in the morning, it's probably not gonna happen. It's actually the same thing with my workouts. If I don't work out in the morning, it's probably not gonna [00:08:00] happen.
Cuz I'll negotiate the rest of my day
Molly: away. I totally get that. I'm actually not a morning workout person, but for me, the other side of that is like the accountability. So if I have like my friend saying like, come on, let's do this. I'll be like fine. It's I'll take the peer pressure. But I can't like will myself to do it, but the same thing works.
I also yeah, our church has a really great Bible study for women that is seasonal. It's like a 10 week study, so it's fall in spring, but that accountability helps too.
Tony: Yeah, I love, I love the, the importance of community. I think that that's such a huge part of it. Now in this resource, digital detox I, I'm curious if you could tell the Genesis story of when you knew it was time to create a detox for your family.
And I, I've done a little bit of research, so I've heard this story, but it's really good. And I'm, I'm anxious. Here's some kind of how you tell it.
Molly: Yeah, well, we were probably like most of your listeners, we thought we were intentional parents. We monitored [00:09:00] screen time. We set the timers one, maybe two hours a day of the interactive screen time.
And we still would see these like co collapsing type behaviors, meltdowns after screen time kind of amped up sibling fights that were like next level. And I'm the youngest of four kids. So. I have seen sibling fighting. I lived it and I know how to, you know, hold my own. But these, these were like next level, these were WWE E like something else was going on.
And, and it, it wasn't like a, a one time thing. One thing happened, it was over time. We kept getting these nudges, but life is busy and it moves quickly. And so you get an edge like, oh, I don't like that behavior, but then you gotta move on to the next thing. And that's just how it went for several years until.
One day, the, the straw that really broke the camel's back. I, I came home from running errands and one of my kids greeted me at the door, not with, Hey mom, but with, can I play on your phone? And so to me, I'm like, mm, no, I'm not into that. So I called my husband at [00:10:00] work and I'm like, we need to pull the plug completely.
I'm done. We need to do something radical. I'm over this. And he was all about that. He's like, I'm on board, but you're the one in the brunt of that. So you're gonna have to be the one, if, if you're good with it, I'm good with it. I'll support you. But I know you're home full time. So that's what we did. We told the kids at dinner and they were really upset about it.
There was a lot of, a lot of tears. Sure. And that was probably the worst part of all of it. And this is, I think what holds most parents back from starting in the first place parents I've talked to is they think, okay, so now on top of the, you know, having to break the news to the kids and then being really mad at us now I'm gonna have to endure these meltdowns for two weeks straight like that does that sounds horrible.
And so that's why parents that's what they are thinking is gonna happen. But the good news is it's nothing like that. and there's science behind this, but you're, you're resetting the dopamine levels in their brain. They're not overstimulating anymore. They're not being bathed in adrenaline and Cortis all those stress hormones.
So you're actually giving them a [00:11:00] clean slate in their brain, like chemically that really helps them. So every parent who has done this detox that have helped coach through it, they've said the similar, very similar things I could not. How quickly we got our kids back. I couldn't believe how much my kids started kind of self starting and using their imaginations and creating ways to play with their siblings, cooperatively and independently.
And it, it's just amazing.
Tony: So I I'll be honest. The first thing I thought of was what does that do to my screen time? I, because I, you know, I look, I, I really sometimes enjoy the mindless scroll like of Instagram and I'll, I'll even do things in the name of work, you know, but like, ultimately I'm. I, I mean, I, I don't, I don't know what the average is.
I don't know if it's bad or worse. I, I don't even know if I wanna put judgment on it, but like the thought of like, oh, I'm gonna detox my kids for two weeks. How, how do [00:12:00] you, how, how do, how are you coaching parents through this who are afraid for their own digital
Molly: needs?
Yeah, that is real. And this is, this is like a practical, real life guide.
This is not a, you know, from the. I don't know, from the boardroom or from the American academy of pediatrics, like removed from the experience perspective, this is a boots on the ground perspective. So you're absolutely right. There's a huge component about parental tech use during your detox. And what I would say is that.
if your kids are 10 and under, you don't necessarily have to detox alongside them, although you should probably be taking a closer look at your own, it could be a great kind of family exercise and, and just taking a minute. Sure. But you don't necessarily have to. And the reason why is because. You know, when our, when our kids are little, we have that authoritative role where you tell your four year old, okay, it's eight o'clock it's bedtime.
You don't put yourself to bed at eight o'clock, you know, cuz you're the parent and they're the kid. And so you can set these kind of rules for [00:13:00] them. But and again, I covered this actually in the last chapter of the book tech for mom and dad. I did, I didn't detox myself, neither of my husband alongside our kids, but later we did.
And especially if you have older kids, if your kids are 10 and. You, there are two things that need to look different for your detox. And number one is you need to get some skin in the game because those kids, our kids are really smart. And they're looking at you and your, your role has kinda shifted to that mentor coach along with authority, but it's more mentor coach, and they're like, why.
If you're not changing your stuff, why should I change mine? And, you know, are you really practicing what you preach and that kind of thing. So I really encourage parents to get some skin in the game and say, gosh, I'm gonna, you know, for me, and this is where you get to parse it out and have good conversations with your kids.
Look part of my job and I've talked to photographers are a great example of this. I've talked to photographers and they're like, I don't wanna be on Instagram so much, but this is how I run my business. So. Got any tools for me and to, and I love this. This is a great conversation to have. But break this down for your kids.
You can tell them. [00:14:00] Look, it's a little trickier for me because as you get older, our lives become so intertwined with technology. If I put my phone in a lockbox for two weeks, my I would get fired if I didn't check my email. Sure. You know, I talk to your teachers every day. I, I bank on my phone. I grocery shop on the phone.
I check your assignments on the phone. And so and your older kids are gonna find this too. They're gonna, my niece clocks into her job. Using her phone. So it's not quite as, as cut and dry for our older kids, but we can modify that to help them. So you're gonna get some skin in the game with your older kids.
And the other thing I recommend, especially with older kids is, you know, this is less, it, it never presented as punitive. But for your older kids, it's really like a, Becking like a, okay, I think we're gonna try this thing. And I think it's gonna be really cool, even if it's hard, kind of like you would, if you were trying to recruit your family to do a whole 30 with you.
You'd be like, okay, stick with me here. I heard about this thing. There's really good benefits. I know you don't get to eat cheese and bread. [00:15:00] I know that's a bummer. And so, you know, you're gonna expect some pushback, but you're really just sharing the benefits with them and ask them questions. Our kids are so smart and they're watching, they know what it's like to feel ignored.
by people who are looking at their devices and own that too. If you, if that's you, if you're like, gosh, I don't like that. You know, have I ever made you feel ignored because I've been looking at my phone. I hate that, that breaks my heart and I wanna do better. And I wanna teach you how to go out into this world and how to navigate this.
Well, so, so we're gonna try this thing for two weeks. What do you think about that? So bring them in on the conversation.
Tony: Just because I'm thinking about it practically, what are you doing with the teenagers? You know, I've got a 16 year old, his entire essence of community is really outside of, you know, a, a youth gathering once a week on a Sunday night, his entire essence of community.
We don't have a landline. How, how are we how are we navigating those kind. What feel like really important and fragile relationships to him?
Molly: Yeah. [00:16:00] That a hundred percent, because we don't want to, our goal here isn't to cut off community and connection. It's actually to enhance that. So and the book is more geared towards probably parents of kids up to like maybe 12 or 13.
But you know, For our older kids, I really encourage parents to, to, you know, bring them closer and modify that detox if you need to. So if it's like, okay, we'll, we'll just do texting and phone calls or, or whatever, you know, talk, talk it through with them. I've had one of the moms I've worked with, she told me that her team came up to her, her son and said, mom, I think my phone is giving me anxiety.
It's stressing me out. Will you help me? Like, I don't know what, I don't know what to do. Mm. And that was so powerful to me because first of all, nine outta 10 kids, aren't gonna do that nine outta 10 teenagers. Aren't gonna to, they're not gonna say that. And this mom. Shared later that through doing a detox, he was, and you know, that's probably a little easier cuz he was on board from the get go.
He's like, [00:17:00] let's do what we gotta do. Sure. Yeah. But I would just encourage those parents of those older kids to use this time to amp up that connection with your kid and also modify it in a way that they can still talk to their friends. They can still connect with their friends, have their friends over to your house, make ways for them to.
Be with their friends in person. The studies are showing that kids today spend an hour less per day, face to face time with peers. And that's actually not really good for them. So, wow. As parents, we kind of, and, and we're in this great position because as people, people who grew up kind of in the eighties and nineties, we get to look back and see the change.
You know, we see what it looks like for our kids. And then we look back and we're like, gosh, it's so different. But we get to kind of share, share that with them, share that insight with them. There's so much. We're we're wired to be with people, you know, to, for that eye contact and that human connection.
And no matter what's on that screen those diversions, they just can't compete with relationship and eye contact and [00:18:00] connection. So. So, yeah, I think it's about turning up that relationship increasing the amount of time that our kids are spending with their friends face to face, be the house that invites the kids over all that good stuff.
Tony: Hey, everybody just pause in this conversation with Molly to remind you that the reclamation podcast is part of the spirit and truth podcast network. And we are a ministry of spirit and. Spirit and truth is a 5 0 1 C three nonprofit that walks alongside the local church. We do awakening and equipping events to help the local church grow in the areas of disciple making evangelism and the power of the holy spirit.
If you wanna get connected to spirit and truth, we put out a weekly blog, we've got a digital magazine, we've got so many different ways to learn more about what God is doing through the. Go to spirit and truth.life, spirit and truth dot L I E. Sign up for our weekly week and review blog. And also it's a [00:19:00] great way to stay up to date with the podcast, cuz we put all of our information out there.
Now let's finish up this conversation with Molly. No. I love that. And I, I think turning, I think I really like the way you kind of cast the vision while you're also talking about it, right? It's not like, Hey, we're not taking this away. What we're doing is we're increasing the connection. We're increasing the community.
We're increasing the the ability to connect with others. One of the terms that I, I love. That you use as digital babysitter? I I'm curious. Cuz you know, I've done it, right? So there's, there's no shame here if anyone's listening and they're like, yeah, that's my life now we've done it too. When did this become such a thing for parents?
Like I, I don't know when all of a sudden I was like, Here, take your tablet and leave me alone. Right? Like when did that happen?
Molly: Yeah. Well, I mean, and look in the vein of no shame. I, here, here to that, because I was the first in line, the iPad came out in 2011. I was all about that technology for my kids.
Yeah. We go to a restaurant. We had [00:20:00] our first three kids in three years of each other. Prop up that iPad. It, it, and it, and you know, people are walking by going look at how well behaved your kids are. I know, and no they're over. They're like chronic overstimulation. And so there is no shame in using the technology that's available at the time and not knowing what, what is impossible to know at the time.
And, and at the same time, Looking back and watching the negative effects and then changing our mind about how we wanna move forward. I think that's a mark of maturity and wisdom. So yeah, I wanna own that. I was, I wa I'm a full blown convert to this approach. I, I loved giving my kids all of these screens and, and it was, it was great until it wasn't, you know, it was great until Parents start to realize, you know, on the short term, this feels like a fix and you kind of get to exhale, but you know, you're gonna pay for it later.
Right. You know that when they come down, when they have that dopamine crash, it's gonna be, there's no consoling them. I've had one, one, mom. Tell me about her kid who I think was like seven [00:21:00] and didn't wanna pause the video game to go to the bathroom and had an accident. And the child had never had. Any sort of accident issues before, but it just, it's a Testament to the kind of hold that this has on our kids.
There's a neurologist who actually endorsed the book. Former Dean of like UCLA medical school in Dartmouth and real smarty pants. But he calls it electronic cocaine and we're just like handing this to our kids and you know, this. For our generation. It's like, this is not Atari. This is not Pacman.
you know? Right, right. This is totally different because the technology has changed so quickly and. When that, when we're working against engineers who are brilliant and they're baking these addiction points into our kids' games and devices, and as one teacher put it, parents think that if their kids are quiet in their room, that they're okay, but they're not okay.
They're not okay. You are, when you're handing your kids access to a, you know, a device, a phone, [00:22:00] a, a tablet, a computer, if it has wifi access, you are just opening up all of these valves of communication. You're handing over your influence to any. YouTuber any Instagram or any talker. And when 12 year olds are spending eight hours a day on digital entertainment, even great parents, like your listeners who are intentional and who care about the formation of their kids' hearts and minds, let's say they're spending 15, 20 minutes a day, intentionally connecting with their kids that how can 15 to 20 minutes a day compete with eight hours of that screen time of that formation of worldview.
It cannot, it just can't. that's why there's so much hope in the detox because parents, especially coming out of COVID parents are like, man, we've seen what happens when we just throw out the limits. We've seen what happens when these kids right. Are on their devices all the time. And it's not good. It's it's not good at all.
And we're looking for a fresh start.
Tony: Yeah. One, one of the things that I. [00:23:00] Long for that happened during COVID was we spent more time together, like more intention, like it was like, Hey, let's all go outside and play as a family and things like that. It, it seems like as families do the detox that they are reconnecting in ways you talk a little about this in the book about getting to know your kids.
I I'm wondering if you can kind of share. Thought process. And may maybe if you wanna run down the, the, the first part of the book is use the acronym undo, and I love that. And maybe you could talk just a briefly about kind of those steps and specifically about getting to know your kids individually.
Molly: Yeah, absolutely. So you know, just thinking about God's call on parents and how. He gives us so much latitude for how to parent, which is great. You're not gonna find any command about homeschooling or any sort of like anything like that. But, but he does. We see in Deuteronomy six, he tells parents to talk about him all the time.
Talk about, hi, teach these things to your kids [00:24:00] when you're walking up the road, when you're getting up, when you're laying down. But all of these times right now, all of these little. Cracks in the day are consumed by a screen. So mm-hmm, that's why I use this acronym undo. Cause we wanna undo that tech trance.
So you can remember it like this. The U is unplug cold Turkey two weeks. So that's no TV, no YouTube, no Netflix, no gaming. None of that. All of it is put away for two weeks. Okay. The. The N is notice, you're gonna notice your kids, like never before, if you're just unplugging and then like walking away that you're gonna crash and burn.
So we are at the same time, we're turning down that passive digital entertainment. We are amping up our parental powers of noticing our kids, like never before. For example, my three oldest kids, when we detox them, their favorite hobbies were each a different video game. And I just thought, oh, that's how kids play these days.
That's just what kids. Well, once it was off the table, [00:25:00] their hobbies are their favorite hobbies are completely different. Cooking football and baseball. And I just didn't know that you could, you could help cultivate hobbies and cultivate desire in your kids. So you're noticing both the good and the bad and the good things our kids, we know they're all wired a little differently.
So you get to notice how they're wired and you get to feed those good desires that are there. And you're also noticing the bad and the ugly. So if you have a kid who is terrible with eye contact and back and forth conversation, or they get really anxious in social situations which is huge right now mm-hmm or, you know, they they're really.
Bad at waiting their turn. I'm so sorry. I thought that was on silent or they're really bad at like waiting their turn. You can help develop these skills that our kids are gonna need for life and you you'll never have so much clarity as you do during your detox. So that was N and then D is develop a list of screen free fun ideas.
Okay. So right at the beginning of your detox, you're [00:26:00] gonna sit down with your kids and you're gonna say, okay. All of these things are off the table, but we're gonna write this list and I have a printable it's for free. When you buy the book, you can download a free printable list. You can do this with your kids.
Let's brainstorm. And the purpose of this is twofold. Number one, a couple days into your detox or a day. If your kids start complaining of, of boredom. , you can point them to that list on the fridge and you can be like, please consult the list, feel free but the, the other purpose and the hope would be maybe your kids never use the list because you are walking them through that exercise of negotiating, their boredom of hitting a wall.
And. Instead of despairing or being thinking, gosh, I need to be entertained right now. They're like, gosh, I have what I need to assess everything in front of me and decide what to do. That's productive and how to do that's. I mean, that's a skill that our kids need and they're not getting enough practice at that.
So D develop a list and then the O is open the books. There is so much research out there saying that reading is this golden ticket. It is this [00:27:00] gateway to our kids' future success in everything. So reading is, I mean, it can be its own hobby, but it's also the gateway to everything else. They've said that reading level in third grade predicts future success in life.
So, anyway, it's just, it's incredible what we can do. And we've seen this. I, I thought that one of my kids liked before detox. I thought, oh, one of my kids loves to read, oh, this kid just doesn't like to read. Well, that was actually not the case at all. I just needed to do put in a little more effort and be matchmaker when it came to the books.
And I tried a couple books that just, he was not into. And I realized I was choosing the wrong genre. He likes. Fantasy. He loves these dramas Stilton books or loved those when he was littler. And, and non-fiction like these fact books or joke books and there's so many great books out there to get your kids hooked.
So I, I've also seen this work with teens. We've had teenage foster kids in the home and it it's so funny cuz you would think so. So many times we stop short of calling our kids up. You know, we say, gosh, this is where we [00:28:00] wanna go. Oh sure. and we're not there. So I guess we'll just never get there, but no, we don't have to stop there.
You know, we can, we can help our kids develop these desires and I've seen it. I've seen it in at risk foster youth, these kids who are on the brink of, of dropping outta school who are in impossible situations and they can rekindle and develop a love of books and, and it's good for mental health. It's good for future academic success.
It's it's just, the benefits are amazing.
Tony: The, the second part of the book is more about like a long term plan. And I'm just curious in your house, what does that, what does that look like? What's the practical you give lots of suggestions in the book and I, I wanna encourage everyone to go pick it up and look through some of that, but what did you guys settle on as like an appropriate amount of.
Of screen time for you guys.
Molly: Yeah. Well, and here's the be, I mean, the goal of the detox is not to remove all technology forever. [00:29:00] I've yet to help a parent with a detox who's like, we would just like to live off the grid forever. that's just not usually how it goes. Usually people are like, I just wanna take a time out and then put it back in its right place.
So that's the goal is to create a sustainable long term plan. And yes, that is the second half of the book. So. In our house right now, what that looks like with six kids age. Five to 12 is we, we don't do interactive screen time for our three littlest kids. They don't do any video gaming or tablets. We have found that especially with kids with trauma backgrounds sure.
And the research supports this because some of that early childhood trauma includes like cortisol and a lot of adrenaline it's. It the games, the interactive screen time puts them into fight or flight mode and it's it. Different kids have different tolerance levels for that kind of screen time. And especially kids from trauma.
It, it can really take a toll on them. So anyway, we have just taken it, all the tablets, all those things off the table for our youngest kids, for our kids nine and up, we let them [00:30:00] have one hour of video gaming once a week. So during the weekend they have to use their hour. It goes away if they don't use it.
And then on the weekdays, we actually, we love television. We love movies as a family. It's we don't watch 'em probably every day. But you know, maybe a couple times a week, we'll watch a movie as a family after dinner and dishes and all that is done. And we, I mean, we watch Lord of the rings, the trilogy, every Christmas work, total nerds.
That's fine. We love the the Marvel movies. We just watched those last summer. So, so yeah, we're definitely not. Anti-tech so, yeah, those are some of ways. We, there are some really good cooking shows. We love watching with the kids too. So there's absolutely what we have found that there are definitely.
Great places to use technology. What we like to do, we like to go big pictures. So when we use technology or digital entertainment to connect with each other, or when we use it to create, we have a, a computer in the kitchen, I'll let my big kids, like, can I please write a story? It's like, go for it. And I'm cooking dinner and they're writing a story or, you know, can I look up how to, how to make [00:31:00] lemonade?
And, you know, they'll, that's great. You know, when we, when they're using technology to connect with each other or to create awesome, but when they're using it to isolate and consume. We've just gotten rid of that completely. So that's how it works in our home. And the beauty is it's gonna look different for every family and as kids get older, it's gonna look different too.
So we, our goal is that our kids, once they turn 18, they're ready to, to fly the coop. They have developed that sense of wisdom and understanding about how the world works. We don't want them to go out and have never used any of this and to kind of crash and burn and binge on it. We want them to understand.
The hazards and respect that it's PA this technology is powerful, but also be able to enjoy.
Tony: So, I, I know that writing a book can sometimes really stir up some things inside of you. I I'm curious. What did you notice about yourself as you put together? This resource, cuz it it's, it's both personal and practical, [00:32:00] right?
This is, this is your story and it's your story for the world to see how, how did all that kind of resonate inside of your heart?
Molly: Yeah. You know, I had this nudge when I was writing the book, cuz a lot of parents would ask, well, did you detox yourself when you did it? And I'm like, no, you don't have to do that.
That's not how parenting works. but I kept getting this nudge like you should probably like, you know, take a closer, look, hold up a mirror and make sure you're, you know, Walk in the talk. So finally I'm like, man, I totally do need to detox myself. So I grabbed some friends and we did this thing and it was a modified detox based on what we could cut feasibly without, you know, getting fired for some of my friends or for me, you know, cutting it off completely, still being reachable to teachers or my husband.
So it was an incredible experience. It was it, it kind of taught me, showed me, reminded me that. I'm a steward of my time here on earth. And do I want to let it waste away? Do [00:33:00] I want to give it away to these things that really give nothing back? And one of the things I noticed I talked about this in the last chapter is when I took off social media for, I think I did it for, I don't know if I did it for a week or two weeks.
But it was off the table. and I, my, my phone use went way down, but the weirdest thing to me was that I didn't miss it at all. Like, I didn't, it didn't feel like I was missing anything. So I, I really appreciate that. There's actually, I don't know if you've read Bob Goffs new book. I, I just listening to on an audible, but he, he talks about this a little.
I think it's called distract. Yeah, but he's got some good nuggets in there about this topic too, but anyway, yeah, it's, it's a good conversation to have. And, and when you bring humility to the table, that's, that's my favorite way to have the conversation because I, you know, it's funny speaking. Of adults in our own screen use one of my author friends was like, you need to get on TikTok because it's the fastest growing social media app.
And, you know, as a writer and author, this is where [00:34:00] we share. This is where we minister to people. This is where we encourage people. This is find our people and I'm like, I don't wanna go on TikTok that's for like young people. So I downloaded. And I'm like, oh fine. And this is, the kids were in bed. And I, an hour later I had tears stream down my face.
I was laughing so hard. I'm like, people are so funny on here. And so, you know, it's just, there is a place to enjoy it, but also being aware of all our vulnerabilities. So.
Tony: Yeah, it's just so easy to swipe yeah. On TikTok. Right. And next thing you know, it is an hour, so that's, that's really good. That's really good.
I, I love to ask people about their dedication pages and yours was really simple and as really beautiful. It just said for dad. Could, could you tell me a little bit about that?
Molly: Oh, dang. Yeah, my dad, actually, my dad. Is was the best guy I knew. He passed away in 2019. I'm sorry. Yeah, [00:35:00] thank you.
He was a writer and he actually was a, a TV producer. I don't know if you've heard of the movie back to school with Rodney Dangerfield way back in. I think the, I don't know. So that was his, he wrote that with his best friend and Rodney and, and he wrote, that's how he made a career. He wrote for Johnny Carson and He was just so warm and funny and awesome.
So yeah, I actually, and I talk about this in the, at the end of the book too, in my afterward that I, I love digital entertainment. It actually put food on the table. It raised me, it sent me to college. So there was something kind of funny about writing a book about digital detox. When my dad that's was his livelihood growing up.
But anyway but. I wanted to start the book with him and end it with him. So I thank him in the acknowledgements too, because he showed me the power of a connective parent of a parent who is just rooting for his kids all the time. Just caring about that relationship and, and really reflecting what a good.
Father is reflecting what a heavenly father is like, who just cares so [00:36:00] deeply. And so so tenderly about his kids. So I hope that my kids feel that way about me. I hope that they can say the same thing when they're grown, but anyway, he was just so formative to me and, and show me really the power of, of parents, of parents who love their kids.
And. Roll up their sleeves and get in the weeds. So, yeah. Thanks for noticing that.
Tony: That's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. That's personal and intimate. That's the, that's the good stuff. Yeah. Okay. I have one more question to ask you, but before I do it, I know that my friends are gonna wanna find you all over the interwebs after their detox.
Where is. Where's the best place to find all things,
Molly: Molly. Yes. You can find me@mollytofrank.com, D E F R a N K. You can find me on Instagram. You can find me. I am on TikTok. I will share some helpful videos about detoxing, your kids in all of those places. I'm also on Facebook. I would love to hear from you if you detox your kids.
If you have questions, shoot me a message. Shoot me an email. Reach out. I, I love helping parents with [00:37:00] this. It's it's just a joy to.
Tony: It's so good. I my wife and I are, are gonna pray about this and decide, decide when the right, when the right season is to, to try it and, and, you know, we've got. We got kids in those ages that need to be detoxed.
So it's good. It's good. Okay. Last question. I always love to ask people. It's an advice question. Except I get to name kind of the time and place when you give yourself one piece of advice. And so I'm gonna take you back to the day after. You told your kids at dinner that you're going to detox them and all the tears were there and kind of that pivotal moment in your life.
If you could pull up a chair in front of that younger version of Molly and sit, need a knee with her and hold her hands and look her in the eyes. What's the one piece of advice you're gonna give her. Hmm.
Molly: Stick with it.
Tony: Hmm. [00:38:00]
Molly: And maybe also hard is not bad.
Tony: That'll preach. That'll preach any day of the. So that's so good, Molly. Thank you so much for being generous and vulnerable and sharing your resource and your heart with us. I appreciate it. And I know our community to does too. Thank you so
Molly: much for having me, Tony,
Tony: you guys. I love Molly's heart.
And Karen and I are currently talking about how we can do a digital detox for our kids. We know in the midst of summer, it's so important to unplug them from the screens and there's no better time than the. If you enjoy this conversation, do me a favor, go follow Molly on social media. Let her know that you heard her here on the reclamation podcast and share this episode with a friend, maybe a mom or a dad that you know is thinking the same thing.
Like, Hey, I need to unplug my kids. It's time thankful for each and every one of you guys. Don't forget. Leave a rating, a review, share this episode with a friend and remember guys, if you want to follow Jesus, [00:39:00] you must be willing to move.
